Air Dhakkan is the Best

“Good morning, Ladies and Gentlemen. This is your very handsome Captain Banta Singh welcoming you to Air Dhakkan Airways.

Sorry we are four days late in taking off but I had to do some overtime at the bakery.

This is the one two six flight to New Delhi. We cannot guarantee that we will end up in Delhi but rest assured it will be somewhere in the East.

And if you are very lucky we may even be landing on your village! A real Air Dhakkani will land where he wants to, isn’t that right brothers!

Today we have 12 passengers on the plane - which is a bit of a problem because we only have 5 seats! Hmmm.

For safety reasons we will be counting all the passengers again during and after the flight. We have a very good record for safety.

In fact we are so safe even the terrorists are afraid to fly with us!

I am pleased to tell you that over 50% of our passengers end up at their destination.

For those of you who don’t make it, don’t worry, our staff has lots of experience consoling the next-of-kin.

If, however, you are still worried then ask Stewardess Bubbly to tell you about our out of court settlements.

We will do everything to make your journey an enjoyable one and even a surviving one!

If our engines are too noisy for you, don’t worry, we’ll turn them off!

We even make your fall to earth pleasant by serving complimentary tea during free-fall!

And for our religious passengers, we are the only airline who can help you find out if there really is a God!

Sadly, today’s in-flight movie will not be shown because my son forgot to record it from the television.

But if you really want to see a film then we will be glad to fly next to Air India so that you can look at their movie through the window.

Although there is no-smoking in this aero plane, you may find that during the flight you can see smoke in the cabin.

Don’t worry your good minds over this! It is only the early warning system on the engines telling us to slow down! Yes, we are very advanced at Air Dhakkan Airways.

Not only do we provide you with a life jacket but we also give a free bathing costume to the aunties and a swimming short to the uncles!

Some airlines are happy to fly thousands of feet over landmarks but not Air Dhakkan Airways! For your pleasure we try to get as close as possible for the best view.

If, however, we go a little too close then please let us know. Our Co-pilot sometimes becomes too enthusiastic.

Remember that guy who crashed into the White House? Well it is the same bloke!

Now kindly sit on your seat and tie your belt. For those of you who can’t find a belt please tie your own leather belt to the door handle.

And for those of you, who can’t find a seat, sit on your suitcase instead.

Sorry, but I won’t be flying with you today because I have to attend my nephew’s wedding. But please make yourself at home and help yourself to the cockpit.

Thank you for choosing Air Dhakkan Airways. We guarantee that we may not always take you on a flight but we’ll definitely take you for a ride!

This is really a hilarious one ….

During the Cold War, if USA launched a nuke-loaded missile,

Soviet satellites

would inform the Soviet army in 3 seconds and in less than 5 seconds
Soviet
counter-missiles would be on their way.
This was their scenario……………..

But if there is a nuclear war between India and Pakistan.

The Pakistan army decides to launch a nuke-missile towards India.

They don’t need any permission from their government,
and
promptly order the countdowns.

Indian technology is highly advanced.

In less than 8 seconds, Indian army detects the Pak Countdown and
decides
to
launch a missile in retribution.

But they need permission from the Government of India.

They submit their request to the Indian President. The President
forwards it to the Cabinet.

The Prime Minister calls an emergency Lok Sabha session. The LS meets,
but

due

to several walkouts and severe protests by the opposition,

it gets

adjourned

and

adjourned

indefinitely.

The President asks for a quick decision.

In the mean time,

the Pak missile failed to take off due to technical failure. Their
attempts
for
a relaunch are still on.

Just then the Indian ruling party is reduced to a minority because a
party

that

was giving outside support withdraws it.

The President asks the PM to prove his majority within a week.

As the ruling party fails to win the confidence vote,

a

caretaker government is installed.

The caretaker PM decides to permit the armed forces to launch a nuclear

missile.

But the Election Commission says that a caretaker government can not
take

such a decision because elections are at hand.

A Public Interest Litigation
is filed
in the Supreme Court alleging misuse of power by the Election
Commission.

The Supreme Court comes to the rescue of the PM,

and says

the acting PM is authorized to take this decision in view of the
emergency
facing the

nation.

Just then one of the Pak missiles successfully took off, but it fell 367

miles away from the target, on its own government building at 11.00AM.

Fortunately

there were no casualties as no employee had reached the office that
early.

In

any case, the nuclear core of the missile had detached somewhere in
flight.

The Pakistan army is now trying to get better technologies from China
and

USA.

The Indian Government, taking no chances, decides to launch a nuclear

missile

of its own, after convening an all-party meeting.

This time all the parties agree.

Its three months since the army had sought permission. But as
preparations
begin, “pro-humanity”, “anti-nuclear” activists come out against the

Government’s decision.

Human chains are formed and Rasta rokos organised.

In

California and Washington endless e-mails are sent to Indians condemning
the

government and mentioning “Please forward it to as many Indians as

possible”.

On the Pakistan side, the missiles kept malfunctioning. Some missiles

deviate

from target due to technical failures or high-speed wind blowing over

Rajasthan.

Many of them land in the Indian Ocean killing some fishes.

A missile (smuggled from USA) is pressed into service.

Since the Pakistan army
is unable to understand its software, it hits its original destination:

Russia.

Russia successfully intercepts the missile

and in retaliation launches a nuclear missile towards Islamabad.

The missile hits the target and creates havoc.

Pakistan cries for help. India expresses deep regrets for what has
happened

and

sends in a million dollars worth of Parle-G biscuits.

Thus India never gets to launch the missile.

Pakistan never gets it right.

And

**************we live happily ever after ************8

The Corporate language!!

1.”We will do it” means” You will do it”

2.”You have done a great job” means” More work to be given
to you”

3.”We are working on it” means” We have not yet started
working on the same”

4.”Tomorrow first thing in the morning” means” Its not
getting done “At least not tomorrow!”.

5.”After discussion we will decide-I am very open to views”
means” I have already decided, I will tell you what to
do”

6.”There was a slight miscommunication” means” We had
actually lied”

7.”Lets call a meeting and discuss” means” I have no time
now, will talk later”

8.”We can always do it” means” We actually cannot do the same
on time”

9.”We are on the right track but there needs to be a slight
extension of the deadline” means “The project is
screwed up, we cannot
deliver on time.”

10.”We had slight differences of opinion “means” We had
actually fought”

11.”Make a list of the work that you do and let’s see how I
can help you” means” Anyway you have to find a way out
no help from me”

12.”You should have told me earlier” means” Well even if
you told me earlier that would have made hardly any
difference!”

13.”We need to find out the real reason” means” Well I will
tell you where your fault is”

14.”Well Family is important, your leave is always granted.
Just ensure that the work is not affected,”
means,” Well you know…”

15.”We are a team,” means,” I am not the only one to be
blamed”

16.”That’s actually a good question” means “I do not know
anything about it”

17.”All the Best” means” You are in trouble”

Some Interesting Facts

Here are some interesting, but true facts, that you may or may not have known.

——————

The Statue of Liberty’s index finger is eight feet long

Rain has never been recorded in some parts of the Atacama Desert in Chile

A 75 year old person will have slept about 23 years .

A Boeing 747’s wing span is longer than the Wright brother’s first flight.(the Wright brother’s invented the airplane)

There are as many chickens on earth as there are humans.

One type of hummingbird weighs less than a penny

The word ” set ” has the most number of definitions in the English language;192

Slugs have four noses

Sharks can live up to 100 years

Mosquitos are more attracted to the color blue than any other color.

Kangaroos can’t walk backwards

About 75 acres of pizza are eaten in in the U.S. Everyday

The largest recorded snowflake was 15in wide and 8in thick. It fell in Montana in 1887

The tip of a bullwhip moves so fast that the sound it makes is actually a tiny sonic boom.

Former president Bill Clinton only sent 2 emails in his entire 8 year presidency

Koalas and humans are the only animals that have finger prints

There are 200,000,000 insects for every one human

It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery had in it to begin with.

The world’s largest Montessori school is in India, with 26,312 students in 2002

Octopus have three hearts

If you ate too many carrots, you’d turn orange

The average person spends two weeks waiting for a traffic light to change.

1 in 2,000,000,000 people will live to be 116 or old

The body has 2-3 million sweat glands

Sperm whales have the biggest brains; 20 lbs

Tiger shark embroyos fight each other in their mother’s womb. The survivor is born.

Most cats are left pawed

250 people have fallen off the Leaning Tower of Pisa

A Blue whale’s tongue weighs more than an elephant

You use 14 muscles to smile and 43 to frown. Keep Smiling!

Bamboo can grow up to 3 ft in 24 hours

An eyeball weighs about 1 ounce

Bone is five times stronger than steel.

Osama and Bush

I think this is one of the funniest jokes related Bush vs. Osama.

After numerous rounds of “We don’t even know if Osama is still alive,”
on TV, Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own
handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.
Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a single line of coded
message:
VWVSO - 370HSSV-0773H
Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condi Rice.
Condi and her aides had not a clue either, so they sent it to the FBI.
No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, then to the
NASA. Eventually they asked Britain ’s MI-6 for help. Within a minute
MI-6 cabled the White House with this reply: “Tell the President he’s
holding the message upside down.”

Love Letter Nice one

New style of writing a love letter :

My dear FAIR and LOVELY (ek chand ka tukda), after WIPRO (Applying
Thought) so much, I dare to say that you are my TVS SCOOTY (First love) and
my AIWA (Pure passion). I always BPL (Believe in the best) and you are
SANSUI (Better than the best). You are DOMINO’S PIZZA (Delivering a
million smiles) for me. This is a COLGATE ENERGY GEL (Seriously fresh)
feeling for me.

I want you to be my life partner but I think you are worried about your
father who is KAWASAKI BAJAJ CALIBER (The Unshakable) and my father who
is CEAT (Born Tough) but don’t worry as I am also FORD ICON (The Josh
Machine) and rest of our family members are KELVINATORS (The Coolest
ones).

If they say no, we will run away and marry and PHILIPS (Let’s Make
Things Better). They will feel MIRINDA (Zor ka jhatka dhire se lage) but I
believe in COCA COLA (Jo chahe ho jaye). For our marriage SAMSUNG
DIGITALL (Everyone’s Invited) and after marriage we’ll be WHIRLPOOL (U and
ME - The World’s best homemakers)

Trust in God who’s always NOKIA (Connecting people) who love each
other. And we are WILLS (Made for each other). Now that HYUNDAI (we are
listening) the song of love, you must know that love is DAIRY MILK (Real
taste of life), SATYAM ONLINE (Fun, Fast, Easy) and PARX (Always
Comfortable). So never forget me. Ok bye!

I wrote little but PEPSI (Yeh dil mange more).

LG (Digitally Yours)!!!!!
bye bye

some heights

1. What is height of Fashion?

Dhoti with a zip

*************************************************************

2. What is height of Secrecy?

Offering blank visiting cards .

*************************************************************

3. What is height of Activelaziness?

Asking for a lift to house while on a morning walk.

*************************************************************

4. What is height of Laziness?

Adopting a child.

*************************************************************

5. What is height of Craziness?

Getting a blank paper Xeroxed.

*************************************************************

6. What is height of Forgetfulness?

Seeing the mirror and trying to recollect when you saw him / her last.

*************************************************************

7. What is height of Stupidity?

A man looking through a keyhole of a glass door.

*************************************************************

8. What is height of Honesty?

A pregnant woman taking one and a half ticket.

*************************************************************
9. What is height of Suicide?

A dwarf jumping from the footpath on the road.

*************************************************************

10. What is height of De-hydration?

A cow giving milk powder

spirit of sardar

George Bush was sitting in his office wondering whom to invade next when his
telephone rang.

“Hallo, Mr. Bush!” a heavily accented voice said, “This is Gurmukh from
Phagwara, District Kapurthala, Punjab. I am ringing to inform you that we
are ophicially declaring the war on you!”

“Well, Gurmukh,” Bush replied, “This is indeed important news! How big is
your army”

“Right now,” said Gurmukh, after a moment’s calculation, “there is myself,
my cousin Sukhdev, my next door neighbour Harjit, and the whole kabaddi team
from the gurudwara. That makes eight of us”

Bush paused. “I must tell you, Gurmukh that I have one million men in my
army waiting to move on my command.”

“Arrey O, main kya.. ,” said Gurmukh. “I’ll have to ring you back!”

Sure enough, the next day, Gurmukh called again.

“Mr. Bush, it is Gurmukh, I’m calling from Phagwara STD, the war is still
on! We have managed to get some more inphantry equipment!”

“And what equipment would that be, Gurmukh,” Bush asked.

“Well, we have two combines, a donkey and Harjit’s tractor.”

Bush sighed. “I must tell you, Gurmukh, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000
armored personnel carriers. Also, I’ve increased my army to 1-1/2 million
since we last spoke.”

“Oh teri ….” said Gurmukh. “I’ll have to get back to you.”

Sure enough, Gurmukh rang again the next day.

“Mr. Bush, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves
airborne…… We’ve modified Harjit’s tractor by adding a couple of
shotguns, sticking on some wings and the pind’s generator. Four school pass
boys from Malpur have also joined us as.”

Bush was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. “I must tell you,
Gurmukh, that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military
complex is surrounded by laser-equiped, surface-to-air missile sites. And
since we last spoke, I’ve increased my army to TWO MILLION!”

“Tera pala hove….” said Gurmuk, “I’ll have to ring you back.”

Sure enough, Gurmukh called again the next day.

“Kiddan, Mr. Bush! I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the
war.”

“I’m sorry to hear that,” said Bush. “Why the sudden change of heart,” may I
ask?.
.
.
.
.

.
.

“Well,” said Gurmukh, “we’ve all had a long chat over a couple of lassi’s,
and decided there’s no way we can feed two million prisoner of war!”

Hights of optimism

INDIA failed to make into Super 8.. But don’t lose hope…
Here’s an interesting fact…

1992 World cup- India didn’t make into the second round.
1996 – India went to semi finals.
1999 – India didn’t make into the second round.
2003 – India went to Finals.
2007 – India didn’t make into the second round
2011 – Guess??? INDIA IS THE WINNER……

IS this called Optimism?

CAnteen Menu TOtal comedy

This happens if people don’t follow naming conventions.
NOT sure which office canteen…

Have a look at the menu at an office canteen….

Its a masterpiece!!!!
didn’t get it…???? Its Seetaphal (Custard Apple…)

Next Page »